A Sure Fire Way To Not Get A Gig

I related this in an ancient comment thread over at litbrit's a while back but I find it amusing. So much of a freelancer's time is wrapped around the search and getting of the next gig, the times where you just blow it sear themselves into your memory. However, I must admit, I would do this one again. I will set the stage a bit for you. This producer and I have a history. While a band I was in was under contract with a Major Label that shall remain nameless for the purpose of avoiding litigation this asshat was an A&R representative. I have always found him to be rude, arrogant and totally without a soul. He lives for the next deal even while you are trying to negotiate a current deal. Oh yeah, and while he was handling my band's account we managed to stay a full six months behind any current trends with a laughable excursion down the "white reggae band" trail which sent our album, with everything else this jerk produced for us, straight into the fucking K-Mart bargain bin. So, you might imagine my surprise when I end up with a phone call from him to come out to L.A. and play in a big time showcase gig for a "new young artist" (who actually turned out be pretty good) he is currently flogging around town. So here is my side of the conversation. This is a totally slanted reproduction that makes him look like an insufferable dickhead, and yet, that's also what his mom says about him.

ME:

Hello?

SHITHEAD PRODUCER:

Hey, remember me? How's it going?

ME:

I remember, and since you got my number from my agent you should have a pretty good picture of how things are going. What do you want?

SOUL-LESS HOLLYWOOD BOTTOM FEEDER:

I'm producing - - - - she's a songwriter who has a blah, blah, blah, standard studio pressrelease lies, waste of time bullshit smoke up the ass talk. . .

ME:

Just what the industry needs right? Another chick with a guitar and an agenda. Is she Fiona Apple hot? Have you scheduled her for plastic surgery yet? Do fat, older musicians with a limp turn her on? Why me?

MAN WHO LIES SO MUCH HE HAS TO HIRE PEOPLE TO CALL HIS DOG:

Because for this showcase in L.A. we really want to show off her versatility and you bring several instruments and fluid genre changes to the stage.

ME:

So where is this gig in L.A. at?

ARROGANT PRICK:

It's certainly where we don't end with a preposition.

ME:

Ok. So where is this gig in L.A. at - - - - - motherfucker?

I didn't get this gig. Later, I did do some studio work with this woman when she was putting together a demo side. The funniest part of this story is that the young woman turned out to be very good. Good enough that some of the other old pro musicians and I were able to help her find real representation and management. She's doing well right now. I don't know where the producer is or if he has any projects happening. I don't think he'd call me anyway.