Thursday, September 07, 2006

A Sure Fire Way To Not Get A Gig

I related this in an ancient comment thread over at litbrit's a while back but I find it amusing. So much of a freelancer's time is wrapped around the search and getting of the next gig, the times where you just blow it sear themselves into your memory. However, I must admit, I would do this one again. I will set the stage a bit for you. This producer and I have a history. While a band I was in was under contract with a Major Label that shall remain nameless for the purpose of avoiding litigation this asshat was an A&R representative. I have always found him to be rude, arrogant and totally without a soul. He lives for the next deal even while you are trying to negotiate a current deal. Oh yeah, and while he was handling my band's account we managed to stay a full six months behind any current trends with a laughable excursion down the "white reggae band" trail which sent our album, with everything else this jerk produced for us, straight into the fucking K-Mart bargain bin. So, you might imagine my surprise when I end up with a phone call from him to come out to L.A. and play in a big time showcase gig for a "new young artist" (who actually turned out be pretty good) he is currently flogging around town. So here is my side of the conversation. This is a totally slanted reproduction that makes him look like an insufferable dickhead, and yet, that's also what his mom says about him.

ME:

Hello?

SHITHEAD PRODUCER:

Hey, remember me? How's it going?

ME:

I remember, and since you got my number from my agent you should have a pretty good picture of how things are going. What do you want?

SOUL-LESS HOLLYWOOD BOTTOM FEEDER:

I'm producing - - - - she's a songwriter who has a blah, blah, blah, standard studio pressrelease lies, waste of time bullshit smoke up the ass talk. . .

ME:

Just what the industry needs right? Another chick with a guitar and an agenda. Is she Fiona Apple hot? Have you scheduled her for plastic surgery yet? Do fat, older musicians with a limp turn her on? Why me?

MAN WHO LIES SO MUCH HE HAS TO HIRE PEOPLE TO CALL HIS DOG:

Because for this showcase in L.A. we really want to show off her versatility and you bring several instruments and fluid genre changes to the stage.

ME:

So where is this gig in L.A. at?

ARROGANT PRICK:

It's certainly where we don't end with a preposition.

ME:

Ok. So where is this gig in L.A. at - - - - - motherfucker?

I didn't get this gig. Later, I did do some studio work with this woman when she was putting together a demo side. The funniest part of this story is that the young woman turned out to be very good. Good enough that some of the other old pro musicians and I were able to help her find real representation and management. She's doing well right now. I don't know where the producer is or if he has any projects happening. I don't think he'd call me anyway.

2 Comments:

Blogger konagod said...

Shit.

This choreographed exquisitely with the Horowitz Beethoven Piano Sonata I'm listening to right now.

Nice!

I'm about to move on to some of your other recommendations.

Hey, two things:

I wanted to hear your comments on my "Speaking in Strings" post... it's probably 7 or 8 down the list now on my blog.. Did you see it?

Also, watch for my next post: Tipper and the Labelmakers.

It's gonna be a long one!

6:18 PM  
Blogger The Minstrel Boy said...

Horowitz was simply the best ever. He combined exquisite and astonishing technique with brutal passion. Tipper and the Labelmakers? I'm getting all goosebumpy.

9:00 AM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home